Sometimes life gets real slow and it's easy to get washed away by the ongoing memories of a time when life felt more alive, more adventurous, more sweet. The wind had a feeling similar to being held and on top of the world was exactly where you once felt you were, and not sitting right now.

The spectrum of life has the flow of a Richter scale to it and that rhythm doesn’t always feel kindly like the consistency of a heartbeat. My brain is wired to naturally be extremely hard on myself, and it’s something I work with everyday of my life. Some days it’s easy to combat and others it shows up as extreme overwhelm and inability to pick myself out of my head.

They say that a great achievement on the darkest days is the ability to pick your body out of bed in the morning, yet sometimes that doesn’t even feel enough. Especially when there was a time I lived excited to wake up every morning to see what my life held for me that day.

When you spend everyday missing a life you had you’re not living this day to the fullest capability. I am aware of this. I still hold myself hostage.

I once wrote four years ago, “longing, waiting, wishing, dreaming and fantasizing about something not within reach, causes you to step away from what’s going on right now. We always want to be somewhere else, doing something else, wish our lives away, and forget that this moment, this time, this experience should be something we’re grateful for.”

The truth is, being grateful it happened sometimes isn’t the remedy to the holes it left in your heart.

The truth is, feeling the grief when it arrives sometimes isn’t the cure to the longing of what you once felt you had.

And yet, they say you should live in the present moment. Even I say this quite often.

This kind of advice doesn’t warrant for the legitimate feeling of stuckness. Usually we have to discard a lot of logical, mind-loving, gushy comfort koolaid to make the jump and freefall our whole way down. Meaning, making the decisions that seem more irrational than rational, and perhaps with a push.

Raise your hand if you’ve only drank the kool aid, not letting yourself jump.

Raise your hand if you said f*ck the kool aid and jumped. Where are you now? Do you regret it?

Raise your hand if you’ve both drank the kool aid and closed your eyes kissin’ your a*s goodbye like the song free falling. *raises hand*

Yet, those times are when I felt most alive.

Sometimes, listening to the idea of being in the present moment feels like more of a modern distraction from where you should actually be. Like a sense of telling yourself to get over it and be present. Which isn’t always what is needed.

Sometimes what’s needed is to look at where this is being felt in your body and then take a look at why it’s coming up. What in your life are you observing consciously that is stirring the subconscious pot of the great wild and mystical self that you may need some connecting to. These are recognized as triggers in new-age psychology.

A lot of these conscious mental deliveries (ie. triggers), I find, are from too much stimulation and ability to see our idea of success reflected back at us from an app rather than to see it in our own lives, everyday. Which is another great way for me to be hard on myself, which I obviously love to do so much (please read this as obvious sarcasm). Anyone out there, also like me?

From what I’ve observed, the world is less living and more content created these days.

When I moved out West I was experiencing such an open life, where if no one knew where I was, the better and I probably didn’t have service, so don’t try and find me. The air was fresh and worries of chronically having work, making rent and looking perfect all the time dissipated.

I can’t explain how healing that is.

So maybe today isn’t like that. And tomorrow won’t be either. But what’s to be remembered, is that I can find that sense of liberation again. And I will. And you can, too.

We just both need to learn to enjoy the ride.

Dream big. Listen to the crazy voice inside your body. Go for it.

Xx,

Ray of Light